I’ve been reading the blogs for Carolina SEAS 2010.  To be honest, I haven’t really been putting out the best effort to get to know people, and, often, because of my position as the research fellow, I miss out on the social events that the others coordinate simply because I’m not always with them.  So I don’t really have as much of an opportunity to bond with people.  Plus, I’m shy about opening up and talking to people, hence why it’s easier to express myself in written form.

So it just strikes me when I read the other participants’ blog entries and read about what’s going on in their heads.  Most of my day-to-day interactions with people—anyone, friends, family, strangers—is on a fairly shallow level.  We don’t really talk about how we ~*feel*~ about things.  We don’t really talk about what’s going on in our heads, or the revelations we’re having.  Or, when we do, it comes out in a way that’s really inadequate: “Yeah, I learned a lot about Islam the other day.  Lots of stuff that I didn’t know.”  Or: “It was really eye-opening to be in another culture that lives on less and realize how much I have at home.”

Yet it’s often so difficult to express in person (for me, at least) how utterly mind-blowing some of these revelations are.  Hell, it’s difficult for me to express that even now, when I’m writing.  And it’s often opaque to others exactly how much people think and how much they feel, particularly when they choose to mask it by just bantering with each other and cracking jokes and having fun while never really talking about anything deep.  (Which isn’t a bad thing, of course; that’s how friends are.  I’m not criticizing having fun or not talking about anything deep, simply observing.)

So it’s really interesting, seeing how people think, what they’re thinking about, and what’s going on in their minds beyond their smiles and jokes and conversations about random topics.  It’s like I’m seeing into a world that I’ve never seen before.  It’s, well, mindblowing, and it’s incredibly difficult to try to express exactly how mindblowing this is in writing, and incredibly difficult to express this connection that I suddenly feel without sounding really cheesy.  People that I thought wouldn’t really think about these things are thinking deeply about them; people who put on tough fronts when they’re with friends suddenly have their fronts crumble when I realize how sensitive they are through their blog posts.  People I thought I wouldn’t be as close to turn out to be struggling with the same things that I am.

This is why I like reading blogs so much.

I’m a shy person.  Reading people’s blogs makes me realize how much I want to talk about so many different things.  But maybe it’s my problem, in that I rarely seem to be able to connect to people in person in the same way.  I always think, wow, this person’s really cool; I wish we could be closer friends!  But I don’t know how to bring up these topics that I really want to talk about.  I don’t know how to express in words, on the stop, all these layered thoughts and emotions that I have towards these topics.  I don’t know how to talk about the complexity of these things without sounding really lame.  So I’ll make a joke and laugh with you about silly things instead, or I’ll ask you about how your day was and we’ll have a conversation that lasts for five minutes at most.

I’ll admit it; I’m awkward and shy. I wade into the waters to see if you’re comfortable with me removing my filter, because a lot of people will say that they’re okay with me saying anything, yet will get offended anyway if I talk about taboo topics.  I don’t express myself well.  I think too much.

But if that’s okay with you, then let’s be friends.

Okay, enough procrastinating.  I’m gonna go out and interview people now.  For real.

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♥

Two thoughts:

one. You are not as unique as you think you are.  Somebody around you probably likes something you like; somebody around you has probably gone through what you’ve gone through.

Everyone around you has a secret that would surprise you if you knew.

two. People are not as different as you think they are.  You have more in common with that stranger than you think.

Further:

It’s impossible to know a person’s life history just from glancing at them, and it’s impossible to know a person by judging just one—or a handful of—their actions.  You have no idea where they’re coming from, where they are now, or where they’re going to be in the future.  You have no idea what kind of person they are just from your brief interactions with them (or lack thereof).

Good people can do bad things, and people who have done bad things are not necessarily bad people.

From now on, I refuse to judge people.

See also: there’s no such thing as strangers

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Well, it’s a good start to get kids more aware about Internet safety and what you should and shouldn’t post on the Internet. But it falls short in a couple of ways—first off, the examples used aren’t really all that convincing and don’t look like they’ll leave much of an impact on the kids viewing the announcement. They’re light-hearted, and they don’t show any real consequences of failing to understand that what you post on the Internet is (a) public, and (b) difficult to remove. Granted, a lot of the consequences are difficult to convey to the kids (who don’t really think about future employment prospects, for example, and don’t think much about their long-lasting reputations), but the examples still could have been handled in a better way. The “embarrassing” videos weren’t really all that embarrassing, and, even though the giant robot comes by to take the CD, you don’t see what he could do with it. It might be some heavier topics to deal with, but, if you’re trying to emphasize online safety, it shouldn’t just be brushed off as light-hearted humor.

Another huge criticism I had of the announcement was the last part—”Because nothing beats spending time with real friends!” Okay, I do agree that, if you’re cooped up in your room all day watching Youtube videos or doing something solitary, then, yeah, it’s a good idea to go out and spend time with friends.

But if you’re doing something social with online friends? That sparks my rant. I have to emphasize this, because people too often don’t get it: Online friends are real friends.

It’s a topic that’s bugged me for ages. First off, I hate the “online” and “in real life” binary. Because, you know what? Online stuff is a part of real life. What happens online is not divorced from reality; it’s a part of reality. It makes up what’s real to you. So whenever I’m forced to make the distinction, I prefer using the binary “online” vs. “offline”.

That said, my online friends are my real friends. And yes, I do have online friends—a good number of them. And no, I don’t know what some of my online friends look like. One of these friends, who I’ve known for four years and still don’t even know what her hair color or skin color is, helped me through one of my toughest emotional times. She answered one of my calls in the middle of one of her classes and stepped out to talk to me and calm me down when I was basically hysterical. When I was in a really depressed state, alone in my room at night and seriously considering hurting myself in some way, she called the housing department at my school to get someone to drop by and make sure I wasn’t doing anything. If not for her, I don’t even know if I’d be in the happier, healthier state I’m in now, or if I’d even be around.

And I don’t know anything about her other than her name, the sound of her voice, and a vague idea of where she’s going to school. I’m not sure how old she is. I don’t know for certain what race she is. I don’t really know what she does in her spare time. But I know that she cares enough about me to make sure that I didn’t do anything stupid and to support me when I really needed it.

I have another online friend who I’ve known for almost ten years, and I’ve never spent a single minute with her in person. We met online when we were about eleven or twelve or so, and now both of us are about nineteen. For comparison, I only have a couple or few friends from elementary school, about that same age, that I’m still friends with.

Many of my online friends know stuff about me and know about my struggles more deeply and more intimately than I would ever share with any of my offline friends. Many of my offline friends who I’ve known for five years or more don’t even have an idea of what I’ve struggled with and gone through, especially over the last year. But many of my online friends know and have cared enough to support me when I really needed it. It’s often easier for a number of reasons for me to express myself and convey my deeper thoughts and emotions online than orally with offline friends, hence why many of my online friends know stuff about me that my offline friends would never even dream of knowing.

So don’t tell me that my online friends aren’t “real” friends. They are people who have supported me in my creative endeavors throughout the years, many of which I’ve only recently started sharing with my other friends and the general public. They are people with whom I’ve had friendships that have lasted longer than many of my offline friendships. They are people who know my deepest, darkest secrets, thoughts, and fears, and are still by my side without any judgement of me and helping me grow, supporting me when I’m struggling.

They are real.

They are my friends.

They are real friends.

The Internet’s reach is expanding daily. It’s time to stop stigmatizing online friendships. Just because you never met someone offline doesn’t mean that they can’t be a real friend. Furthermore, with the expansion of Facebook, which connects you to your friends who have scattered all across the globe, the line between online friends and offline friends is blurring. Your best friend in elementary school now lives 3,000 miles away from you, and the only communication you now sustain is via Facebook, e-mail, and IM. All interaction between you and that friend offline/in person has ceased.

Is that friend not now an online friend?

You meet friends offline doing activities that interest both of you; you can now meet friends online through online communities centered around activities that interest both of you. You spend time with both doing what you like to do together.

What’s the difference?

I no longer feel a need to hide the fact that some of my friends are people that I’ve met online and only online. I have online friends; I’ve had an online relationship; my current relationship has been sustained via the Internet with brief meetings every few months for almost two years now.

I have online friends, and they are some of the best, real friends I could ever ask for.

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I am female. That means that I have two X chromosomes, ovaries, a uterus, a vagina, and the secondary sex characteristics that make my breasts larger and my hips wider than men’s.  Everything else is a product of society.

I am a feminist. That means that I believe that people of all gender identities should be treated equally and should be held to the same standards.  I believe that women can be just as talented, smart, tough, and brave as men, and that men can be just as sensitive, caring, kind, and gentle as women.  I believe that those whose gender identity does not fit neatly into the societal convention of “men” and “women” should be treated with the same amount of respect as those whose identities do.

I am agnostic. That means that I do not believe that I can know or prove the presence of God.  That does not mean that I’m a wishy-washy person and that I don’t know anything, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not decisive enough to be fully religious or fully atheist, because:

I am also an atheist. That means that I don’t believe in a god or gods.  I believe that a baby is born not knowing about god or gods, and that religion is a man-made construct that is used by humans to understand the natural world.  That does not mean that I just need to see the light, or that I’m angry, militant, aggressive, or out to dismantle your religious faith, as:

I am a supporter of interfaith. That means that I understand the importance of religion to your life and would never seek to destroy that bond that you have with your faith.  That means that I seek to understand your faith and your passion, that I seek to support you in your spiritual quest, despite our differing religious backgrounds.  That means that I believe that there is enough conflict in the world, and that religion, which is meant to help lives, should not be the basis of more harm.  I am an atheist who supports interfaith work because I understand that all of our beliefs are grounded on assumptions that may or may not be true.  And, just as I support the spiritual quest of those who are religious and would never seek to take away their faith, I expect those of religious faith to respect my decision to be atheist and agnostic.

I am a learner. That means that I love learning about new things, and that I’m not afraid to talk passionately about what I learn.  You might call me a nerd, or a geek—I’m those, too.  I will be learning new things until the end of my life.

I am an artist. That means that I appreciate the beauty around me, and that I try my best to capture it in whatever medium I can.  Often, I fail, but I’ll keep on trying.

I am human. That means that I have the right to decide who I am.  That means that I make mistakes, just as you do.  That means that I have a family, just as you do, and that I am connected to you in some way.  That means that I struggle with life and everything life throws at me, that I have my own thoughts and emotions, that I’m imperfect, and that I should be treated with respect, just as you should be treated with respect; that means that you and I are more than just a piece of meat or an expendable object.

I am a work in progress. That means that I’m still discovering who I am, and that I am not so set in stone that I cannot change.  Who I was yesterday is not the same person as who I am today, nor will who I am today be the same person as who I will be tomorrow.  There are parts of me that have not yet been spoken for, and there are parts of me that will disappear.  There are parts of me that I have not included in this post because I’m still ironing out the details and fleshing out the ideas until they are at a point where I’m comfortable with sharing them.

I am a work in progress—and I’m okay with that.

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Yeah, we're kinda like that.

Previous installments: Part 1: Online tools for your long-distance relationships; Part 2: Friends and family

So, to the left is me, and to the right is my boyfriend, Abraham.  We’ve been together about a year and nine months now, all of which has been long-distance—we’ve been long distance since the very beginning of our relationship.  We’ve had lots of ups and downs, but I think we’re at a point now where we’ve gotten the long-distance part down, and the rest of our problems are just personality issues that we’re working out.  So, while I wouldn’t consider myself super knowledgeable on long-distance relationships, I think I still have a fair amount of experience that I can share, particularly for those who have never had to deal with distance in a relationship before. :)

Since this entry is pretty long, it’s divided into three parts:

1. General advice,
2. Communication (verbal and physical), and
3. Sex in a long-distance relationship

General advice

• Balance your time. One of the most difficult aspects of a long-distance relationship is the fact that spending time with your significant other is, for the most part, mutually exclusive with spending time with your friends.  In a relationship where both partners are pretty close physically to one another, if you and your friends are going out for a movie, you can easily bring your partner along.  But, in a long-distance relationship, if you bring your partner along (by means of phone, Skype, whatever), it’s considered intrusive or rude, and this forces you to add another division in your time.  That said, find the balance of time that works for you.  Some people are just more inclined to spend more time with friends than with their significant others.  And, often, time priorities aren’t ranked in the same order between partners; one partner might want to spend more time with friends, while another partner might want to spend more time with their partner than with friends.  It’ll be up to you to negotiate the distribution of time and for each person in the relationship to be flexible.
• Leave time for yourself. Remember that you’re still two bodies and two people, and that you’re going to need your alone time sometimes.  Which doesn’t mean anything negative per se; sometimes you just need to relax by yourself, if you’re inclined towards that.  Or you need to study by yourself without distractions.  In any case, clearly communicate what kind of alone time you require.  For some people, particularly those who may need more time or attention, it may also be helpful to communicate the purpose of your alone time: it’s not that you’re trying to ignore them, but that, for example, you can’t study with Skype on; or, sometimes you just want to go walk around by yourself to collect yourself.  In a long-distance relationship, it’s fairly easy to misinterpret absence as an attempt to ignore someone.
• Be considerate. This will vary from person to person and will vary depending on how much each person worries.  But basically, if you’re going to be absent for a period of time, or home later than you usually are (and you and your partner call each other over Skype at home or something), let your partner know.  This doesn’t mean that you and your partner have to keep tabs on every one of each other’s movements (nor should you), but it’s just good courtesy to let them know so that they’re not worrying or expecting you.

Communication

• Introducing distance into a partnership is a quick way to test how good your communication skills are.  That said, communicate. More than you do in a relationship that’s not long-distance.  Distance in itself introduces a lot of stress, and, since you don’t see each other as often in a long-distance relationship, frustrations can easily build up under the surface.  Distance magnifies discontent, and the lack of body language and other physical cues makes discontent easy to suppress.
  • Talk openly and honestly about any concerns you may have.  Relationships that aren’t long-distance also benefit from open and honest communication, but you really have to emphasize this when you add in distance.  If your partner is, for example, going to study abroad for a semester, and you’re concerned that he or she is going to get so caught up in the excitement of being abroad that they’re going to neglect you and you’re going to feel lonely and left out, say so. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind.  When you’re in a long-distance relationship, the amount you can communicate through body language—particularly if you’re not webcam chatting—is slashed dramatically.  You have to make up for that through words.
  • Communicating, however, does nothing if you don’t also listen.  Regardless of what notions you have about gender roles, you must acknowledge that everyone in a partnership has to listen.  Not passively, but actively.  If your partner isn’t content about something and is expressing their discontent, don’t brush it off as just petty complaints.  There’s a reason that underlies discontent, and you must be patient and honest with both your partner and yourself.  You must be willing to make changes and compromises when there are problems.  If your partner doesn’t feel like they’re getting enough attention, don’t just brush it off—work out a way in which you and your partner are both satisfied.
  • Be honest with yourself. This applies to all aspects of life, but it’s arguably most apparent here.  If your partner accuses you of acting in a certain way—being uncaring, being clingy, whatever—don’t immediately brush it off or get defensive.  Take a moment to reflect on that and admit to yourself any flaws that you have that are contributing to discontent.  Conversely, if you feel the accusation is unfair and untrue, stand up for yourself and say so.  Likewise, your partner should be open with him- or herself as well.
• Find new ways to communicate body language. One of the biggest hurdles with long-distance relationships is the lack of physical contact.  How are you supposed to convey a hug or a kiss when you’re away from each other?
  • When I’m on Skype with Abraham and we want to hug each other, we often just hold our arms out and then hug ourselves at the same time.  If we want to kiss each other, we make kissy faces at each other.  Sounds lame, I know, but you make do with what you have—and often, it really does help.  So don’t be afraid to look silly or do something silly; you’ll be surprised how easily these ways of expressing physical action start integrating into your concept and idea of physical action, to the point where it’s normal.  In fact, sometimes, when I visit Abraham, I even make kissy faces at him before I realize that I’m close enough to really kiss him!  Also, if you’re concerned that your roommate or whoever will think you’re weird—honestly, people adapt really quickly.  Chances are that your roommate won’t even notice after a while.
  • If you send e-mails, or instant messages, try using symbols to denote an action, like in the script for a play.  If I’m chatting with my boyfriend and I want to show that I want to give him a hug, I would say, “*hugs*”.  Or “*kiss*”.  I mark off my actions with asterisks (other people use colons, parentheses, brackets, dashes—it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re consistent in using that notation to show actions).  If you’re unused to that, it might feel weird in the beginning, but, as you come to associate the notation with actions, it’ll become more natural.  Most people in my generation and younger are probably used to that by now, but people in older generations might find it to be something to adjust to.

Sex in a long-distance relationship

• If sex is an important component of your relationship, well, now’s the time to experiment and to push your boundaries on and conceptions of sex.  That is to say, just because your relationship has become long-distance doesn’t mean that you have to be abstinent (or that you have to find other sex partners, either, unless you and your partner have talked about it and have set up boundaries for responsible and mature sex with others—a long conversation in itself, but it essentially boils down to: practice safe sex, respect yourself, respect others, communicate, and be mindful of you and your partner’s boundaries).What do I mean when I say that you don’t have to be abstinent when you’re away from your partner while, at the same time, not having other sex partners?  It all boils down to what you define as “sex”.  If you only define sex as a physical act involving both partners touching each other, then you’re going to have difficulty.  But if you expand your definition of “sex” to include mutual masturbation, or cyber sex, or phone sex, then you suddenly have more ways to still be sexually active with your partner.  And, if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, the best part about these ways of having sex is that you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.  ;)
  • Mutual masturbation: First things first, masturbation is a natural thing and a great way to experience sexual pleasure on your own; as far as I know, it’s not banned by any religions, and anyone telling you that Christianity bans masturbation is probably misinterpreting what’s said in the Bible.  If you masturbate while you’re in a relationship, that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your relationship; in fact, I’m of the opinion that it often helps your relationship—if you don’t know how you like to be touched in order to feel good, how is your partner supposed to know?  Now that that’s out of the way—If you use Skype and have a webcam, take advantage of that!  Stripteases, a lot of fantasy, watching each other masturbate (often talking dirty)… It’s not the same thing as physical sex between partners, but it’s a pretty good substitute.  It might be weird to adjust to at first, and you might find that you’re occasionally overwhelmed because you miss your partner a lot (particularly if you’ve had physical sex before), but be patient and give it a few tries before abandoning it.
  • Cybersex and phone sex: Both involve narration (or, for cybersex, using actions as I mentioned previously), and both might be really awkward if you’re not used to them.  Again, give them a try, and use your imagination!  They’re great tools to use along with masturbation for maintaining a sex life while in a long-distance relationship.  And what’s great about cybersex and phone sex is that you don’t really have any boundaries on what you can do.  If you have fantasies about having sex on a beach but don’t want to do so in real life for whatever reason, well, you have total control over your settings and what happens in cybersex/phonesex, so you can act out those fantasies if you so wish, and to your heart’s content.  :P

  At the same time, remember that mutual masturbation, cybersex, and phone sex aren’t exactly the same as physical sex—it’s easy to forget!  Many people often find that they can please themselves more easily with masturbation, and, with cybersex and phone sex, you can cut out the awkwardness of physical sex.  So don’t get your expectations super high for physical sex after you get used to cybersex and the like, otherwise you might find yourself disappointed.  (Now, if your physical sex and your cybersex/phone sex/etc. are just as pleasurable, or if your physical sex is more pleasurable than other forms of sex, then more power to you!)

Even if sex and other physical things (hugs, cuddling, etc.) are important parts of your relationship, though, don’t base your relationship on them or focus on not having that available.  Take advantage of the distance (I know, weird concept to view distance as something that can be positive) to get to know your partner better in other ways: Get to know their personality better, their interests, their dreams, their fears, their hopes…  A positive side of long distance is that you’re kind of forced to talk and communicate more and focus on these things.  Of course, some people are fine with not seeing their partner for a week or two and spending time together on a weekend, but, chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re not that type of person.  So take advantage of the distance to really bond with your partner. :)

So that’s all I have for now.  As with before, feel free to add your own comments, suggestions, and advice, or point out parts you might disagree with.  Enjoy, and thanks for reading!

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That said, though, there are still some pointers that are pretty helpful regardless of your situation.  Also, I’m writing these posts for all audiences—some things might be obvious to an 18-year-old but totally mindblowing to a 50-year-old, for example!

• Make time for friends and family. This probably sounds obvious, but it’s really easy to forget.  Especially for those of us who are caught up in college—both schoolwork and maintaining a social life—and for those of us who are busy with jobs and other responsibilities, remembering to spend time with your friends and family can be a challenge.  Make time, not excuses!
• Send cards for holidays and birthdays. Remind your friends and family that you’re thinking of them!  If sending cards by post is going to be difficult, you can send e-cards via e-mail.  Setting up an e-mail account, if you don’t have one, is also super easy; even family members who struggle with technology can set up an e-mail account in just a few clicks.
  • You can use the Google Calendar suggested in the last post to keep track of birthdays and other important events; just list them as all-day events.  Or you can make a separate, private calendar with those dates on it.  Google Calendar even has a Tasks feature that you can add and sync with Gmail so you can remind yourself to send out those cards.
• Send e-mails… but don’t send chain letters. You might think that you’re really helping out your friends and loved ones by forwarding that chain letter about how boiling ramen flavoring can be toxic (it’s not), but, more often than not, those e-mails may contain erroneous information.  Make sure you fact-check with a quick search on a site like Snopes.com first before sending a letter that could potentially have erroneous information.
• Chances are that you won’t be calling your family every day.  If you’re in college, doing that would probably drive you insane.  Instead, set up a regular calling time—my boyfriend calls his parents over Skype every Saturday during a specific time frame.  I, theoretically, call my parents every Thursday (though sometimes I forget, and my parents tend to communicate with me over e-mail and instant messenger than over phone calls).  I specify “family” here because calls between friends tend to be more spontaneous, and you can figure out how you want to manage that based on your own preferences.
  • Avoid excessive contact! That is to say, while it’s important to make calls and send e-mails/letters and the like, remember that your friends and family still need their breathing space, and excessive contact, such as daily calls, multiple e-mails, etc. can end up being more annoying than caring.  If you absolutely must forward the 50 pictures of lolcats and 24 amazingly inspirational/funny stories and the 105 jokes that you found, just combine them into one or two large e-mails instead of clogging people’s inboxes with dozens and dozens of e-mails.
• Plan something… and stick to it. Planning a reunion or an event for when you and your friends/family are together away is a great way to keep in touch and get excited about seeing each other again.  But the important part is to stick to it; too many of my friends always say, “We should hang out sometime!” and say “We should go to the beach!” but never actually follow through, leaving all of us still scattered without any contact.  I’m guilty of this, too.  That is to say:
• Make the effort. When I was younger, I would complain that I never got any mail.  My parents reminded me that, since I don’t send out any mail, no one’s going to write to me in return.  That is, if you really value your friendship and your relationships, you must make the effort to stay in touch.

Okay, I think that’s it.  This entry is, admittedly, a lot weaker than the previous one, and will be a lot weaker than the next one.  Like I said, most people figure out this balance by themselves, and I don’t exactly have the strongest ties to my family and to my friends back home, either, nor have I been keeping up with my online friends who live all over the place—I’m guilty of falling into letting schoolwork and other obligations suck up my life, too.

If you have any tips or experiences/stories of your own, feel free to add them in the comments! :)

Coming up next: Long-distance romantic partnerships! I’m still thinking of more things to add and cover for this post, which, hopefully, won’t be tl;dr.

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I decided to write this post because I’ll be going abroad this summer, and I’ll be in a leadership role to 25 first-year students.  Not a huge leadership role, but I’m still expected to help them adjust and make the most of their time abroad.  And one thing that can be such a silent struggle, both in day-to-day life and when confronted with unusual events like studying abroad, is having to manage a long-distance relationship.  Not just a romantic relationship, but long-distance family relationships and friendships.

I started writing this post and it ballooned to over 3,000 words long, so I’ll be posting it in different segments with different topics for ease of reference and easy reading.  Part I: Online tools for your long-distance relationships!

Online tools

Communication and scheduling

1. Get Skype. Skype is a free, cross-platform VoIP (Voice over Internet Proxy).  The free and VoIP parts mean that you can make calls to anyone, anywhere in the world, at no charge, so long as they’re answering from Skype.  If the person you want to call doesn’t have Skype, you can call their phone number for a small fee.  The cross-platform part means that you (and the person you’re calling) can use it regardless of whether you’re running Windows, Mac, or Linux; all you need is a microphone and, optionally, a webcam.  Most recent laptop models come with built-in microphones and/or built-in webcams, and, if yours doesn’t (or if you’re working from a desktop), you can buy cheap, functioning microphones and webcams from stores like Best Buy, Radioshack, etc. or through online retailers like Amazon.com or Newegg.com.  For the most part, Skype will automatically detect your microphone and webcam; if you’re running Linux, you may run into some difficulty configuring the software to recognize your hardware, but, if you’re running Linux, you’re probably used to that by now anyway. :P  Skype also has regular text chatting if you’re unable to or don’t want to call.
   • Note: Skype is very useful when you’re going abroad and won’t have cheap and regular phone access and/or when you want to have video while you’re chatting.  If you just want to make domestic calls, some cell phone service providers have free evening minutes, or even provide free or reduced-rate calls between two people with the same provider.  What’s important is finding a medium of communication that works for the parties involved, whether it’s Skype, regular phone, e-mails, IM, or even snail-mail.
   • Download Skype at http://www.skype.com/.
2. Get a Facebook. Or join any other social networking site, for that matter—it all depends on what your friends and family are using.  If everyone around you is using Facebook, getting a Facebook will help you keep in contact with them.  Meanwhile, if everyone around you is using Myspace, or Twitter, or Friendster, Bebo, Cyworld, whatever, join that site.  Even if you decide that social networking websites aren’t really your thing, they still provide a channel of communication for you to contact your friends and family and for them to contact you.  Even if you have an e-mail account (and if you don’t, set one up!  Gmail is excellent), social networks can often be more convenient in a number of ways, as many of them have far more functions than just messaging, such as picture sharing, blogs, etc.
   • Sign up for Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/, or ask your loved ones for the address to the site that they use most often.
3. Share your online calendar. Google Calendar is a great, interactive, and free service.  You can be as specific or as vague in noting your events as you want; I have a friend who just marks her obligations and events as chunks of time labeled “busy”, whereas I write down exactly what I’m doing and where I’ll be during those times.  You can set your calendar to be public and accessible to all, or you can share it with specific people who also have a Google account.  Sharing your calendar is extremely helpful in figuring out how you’re going to manage your most important resource—time—when you’re away from your loved ones.  Google Calendar even has an option to display two time zones so you can see when your loved ones’ events are occurring with respect to your own time zone.
   • Get your own Google Calendar at http://calendar.google.com/.  While you’re at it, sign up for Gmail if you don’t have an e-mail account already at http://www.gmail.com/.  Google Calendar and Gmail are connected by your Google username (which also gives you a Gtalk account, as well as access to a myriad of other Google services, including Picasa, where you can share photos), so you’ll only need one login for both services.
   • You can refer to the following useful help guides for getting started with Google Calendar:
     • Getting Started Guide
     • Share your calendar
     • Scheduling across time zones
     • Change the time zone associated with a particular calendar

Activities

Just because you’re far away from each other doesn’t mean that you can’t do things together!  Here are some ways that you and your friends, family, partner, etc. can have fun together while being apart.

1. Watch movies together. My boyfriend and I watch a movie together every week, even though we’re on opposite coasts of the US.  There are lots of ways to do this—you can take advantage of programs on Youtube, or on Hulu, or you can rent the same DVD.  What’s important is just to make sure that you’re watching the same file so that both of you can be synced.  That is, make sure you have the same Youtube/Hulu URL, or that you’ve rented the same DVD, so that, when you click “play”, you’re synced up.  (If you’re using Youtube or Hulu or another streaming site, I would recommend pausing playback until the entire file is loaded so that everything runs as smoothly as possible.)
   • Sync up your clocks. One or two seconds can make a difference, and time on computer clocks can vary (my boyfriend’s clock was once over a minute faster than mine, which can make a big difference when you’re watching a movie!).  The easiest way to make sure that you’re all synced up is probably to use an external clock that would be displayed the same to both of you, such as the Official US Time website.  Even if you’re outside of the US, it doesn’t matter; what matters is that you’re looking at one clock displaying the same time to both of you.  Pick a time to start the movie (e.g. at 03:00, in minutes:seconds, since the hour is irrelevant), count down with the clock, and then press play!  You might need to cleverly rearrange your windows so that you can see everything and access all the buttons at the same time.  Alternatively, you can calculate clock offsets through using timestamps from IMs, but that’s a little more complicated.Anyway, once you have everything synced and started, you’ll be watching the same movie at the same time, yay!  :)  If you add in Skype and an instant messenger, you can easily talk about the movie without being obtrusive, and you can see each other (if you have video on) in the same way you would in person.  Just figure out the window arrangement so that you can see everything.
2. Play games together. Nowadays, you can find a bunch of two-player games online, many of which are real-time.  Facebook has a bunch, which is an added bonus if you use Facebook to keep in touch.  Or, you can just Google “online chess” or “online Scrabble” or many other games to find a site where you both can play.
3. Share things. You can have a shared Pandora radio station, or shared Google Documents, or your own blogs that you can both follow.  You can have a shared anything, really—the important thing is just to have some way to make your friends, family, partner, etc. feel like they’re a part of your life and that they share your life, even though you’re far away.

The last point is the essence of a long-distance relationship—how do you find ways to make the other person feel as though they’re part of your life, even when you’re far away and physically can’t do things together?  Ultimately, it’s up to you and your loved ones to figure out the right balance, whether it’s a monthly care package, or a weekly phone call, or Scrabble tournaments every Saturday, or Skyping with video daily whenever you can.  Whatever works for you and makes you all happy!  These tips are primarily online tools because they’re the most versatile when post and phone are difficult to access (e.g. when you’re studying abroad).

Feel free to add in your own tips and advice or share what you do in your long-distance relationships to the comments!  :D

Coming up next:

1. Long-distance family relationships and friendships! Some general advice and things to consider.
2. Long-distance romantic partnerships! This deserves a post in itself, both for the more intense communication it requires, as well as considerations unique to partnerships.

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* * *

Yesterday, I attended a couple of events related to interfaith work on college campuses hosted by the Interfaith Youth Core.  The presentation for our learning community was on convictions, and, towards the end of the meeting, we came upon a final question: Why is interfaith work important, and how will you extend this experience to impact the rest of your campus?  Subsequently: What is the value in having these kinds of heated, controversial discussions with people?

After a number of people offered their viewpoints, I decided to offer my own.  I struggle with presenting ideas to large groups; I struggle with presenting ideas in an oral manner, period.  I feel that my thoughts are fleeting and unstructured, and I find capturing them an enormously difficult, particularly when I have to do it on the spot.  So I said things as clearly as I could and hoped that my message would get across: Interfaith work is important not just to understand different groups of people and replace caricatures of them with experiences of real people as another person had suggested, but also because interfaith work forces you to strengthen your own identity.  Heated debates—not just open dialogue—force you to gather what’s wishy-washy inside, gather what’s scattered, and form a stronger core within you.  Only when you have that core are you able to accomplish things and to have any sense of direction.

And that’s when it hit me.  I had to work to keep my voice steady and to make sure that I wouldn’t break down into tears in front of all the people who were gathered in that room.  That was what had been missing in my life lately:  I have no core.  Right now, I am scattered.  I have no core; I have no center; I am easily swayed because there is nothing within me that codes a solid set of beliefs, and there is nothing within me that codes who I am.  I am a sheet of dried leaves blanketing the ground; I am the skeletal tree branches that reach towards the sky—as scene viewed from the outside, I’m fine; I’m a lovely winter day.

But, fundamentally, I’m empty and dead.

It wasn’t necessarily that I’m a bad person; it wasn’t that I have no heart, or that I have an inability to care for people—I told my roommate Monica, my hallmate Will, and my friend Chloé that those deficiencies were what I thought was wrong with me. But those three statements, I know deep in me, are false.  I am not a bad person; if I am indeed one, I am certainly not the worst.  I do have a heart, because I’m capable of feeling and loving.  I am able to care for people; I can be empathetic and hear their problems and feel them as my own.  I may, of course, be very apathetic, but apathy and laziness do not necessarily indicate badness. I am not a sociopath, and there is good within me.

It’s simple: I have no core, and this feeling of emptiness certainly isn’t a new one, as I’ve felt it for as long as I can remember.  I am scattered all over the place.  I don’t have a sense of who I am; I don’t have a sense of why I’m here; I don’t have a sense of anything about myself.  Sometimes, I’m so scattered that I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.  I wake up, go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, look at the mirror, and realize that I don’t know who it is that’s looking back at me.  Objectively, that figure must be me.  But it certainly doesn’t feel like me.  How does that physical encasement capture the abstract thoughts that are in my mind?  How can who “I” am be captured in a mass of flesh?

I did something last week that I’m not proud of, that I’m ashamed of, and that was very wrong.  And I discussed with Abraham—how do you change?  Where do you derive your value from?  How do you know that you have worth; how do you know that you are and can be good?  We discussed these things, among others, for six hours straight.  Eventually we got to the point where he said to me, “I have value because God thought that I was valuable enough to send His only son to die for me.  I am not responsible for any of my change; it is all God’s doing.”

Looking back, I realize what I did at that point.  I had been walking through this tunnel of him, exploring him, until I got to the end of the tunnel.  I had reached a wall that I could knock against, and I could go absolutely no further.  No matter how many more iterations of “Why?” and “How?” I produced, there was no going further.

I had reached his core.

Curling up there, being there with him, being embraced by the earth that was him and feeling the warmth and life breathing through him—it’s times when I discuss these heavy issues with him, these real issues and philosophical questions, when I feel closest to him.  It’s times when I talk with him over these fundamental issues that we so differ on—I’m not convinced of the existence of a god or gods; he lives his life by the words of his God—that I feel that I’m truly connected with him.  We have very few hobbies in common, really; we like watching cartoon shows (but only some together—he has yet to convince me to watch Beast Wars; I have yet to get him to derive much enjoyment from watching South Park), we like cracking jokes with one another.  But everything else is vastly different; our tastes in music rarely intersect; we hardly, if ever, read the same books; he studies chemistry and I study linguistics.  I used to think that this was some kind of problem, some kind of void that we had between us; more and more, however, I realize that, when I talk to him over what we fundamentally differ on—that is when I realize how close we are.

He, in turn, tried exploring me.  He probed my mind, took the steps into me.  His footsteps echoed within me as he walked deeper and deeper into me, blind in the darkness.  He’d ask me questions: Why this?  Why that?  Why?  And he continued to explore, continued to venture deeper into me.

But there was no end.  There was no end where he could sit and rest and curl up within the deepest part of me, content to be so close to me.  There was only more and more—a larger and larger chasm.  Scattered.  Empty. Eventually, he was consumed by the emptiness.

I have no core.

And that is why I struggle.  I struggle with my identity.  I struggle with my beliefs—religious (or lack thereof), faith, politics, justice, everything.  I have no real set of morals other than what has been indoctrinated within me, and I function primarily out of avoiding retribution.  I have no sense of self-worth or value—I have been treating myself as an object, and that has been the root of the multitude of problems that I have faced, both this semester and last semester.  I have no real passions, and, should I have a spark for something at one moment, it quickly fades the next. I struggle with all this because there’s nothing that’s holding me together; there’s nothing that informs my decisions.  There’s no core from which to inspire passion; there’s no core from which I can pour out real love and care.

And I don’t know how I can fix this.  I don’t know if this is something that a counselor can help me with.  I don’t know if I can go to a therapist and say that I need to be pulled together.  I feel that this is something that I will just have to struggle with, and I feel that this is something that most people have struggled with and are still struggling with and that is so highly individual that there can be nothing but time to move this development forward.

I keep doubting myself and wondering if I’ve done the right thing.  I admitted to the people there at the RELIC meeting, with my voice shaky, that I don’t know why I’m at UNC, but that I feel like, in the end, I will view this struggle as critical in helping me develop who I am.  And that’s also something I’ve been struggling with this more and more lately, and it’s been a quiet struggle because I don’t want to share those thoughts with people around me at UNC; I don’t want to insult or offend them by saying that I don’t want to be here. I’ve become more and more disillusioned with UNC after coming back from winter break, although that sense of dissatisfaction was within me from the beginning of this year.  And there’s no way to escape this disillusionment; I’m continuously reminded of it: whenever people meet me, the instinctive question is, “Where are you from?”  When I respond that I’m from California, the reflex question to ask is, “California?  What are you doing way out here?”

My generic response used to be, “I wanted to go far away from home and experience something new. I wanted to find myself in a culture entirely different from my own. I wanted to go to a school that’s both strong in academics and also in social life.”  But the more I responded with that, the emptier and emptier the words became, until eventually they were just as meaningful as a computerized, robotic answering machine. And lately, that question has been causing nothing but grief to me.  Why am I at UNC?  What am I doing here?  Why aren’t I at home, where school is cheaper, just as good (if not better), and where I would have access to all the cultural opportunities in California?  What am I doing out in North Carolina, where even just getting the food I want to eat is an inconvenience?

After being asked the question of why I was here for the millionth time a week or so ago by a girl I met in one of my classes, I became so disillusioned that I went back to my room and cried.  I called my boyfriend and woke him up and told him about how miserable I was and how I felt that I didn’t belong here.  How I felt that UNC was one big, huge mistake that I would just have to bear for the rest of the time that I was here, since the transfer deadline to UCLA had already passed. He calmed me down as I cried to him, and the pressing anxiousness eventually faded, although the discontent still lingers—at times a very tiny feeling; at others a growing feeling.

Similarly, I keep doubting if my relationship with Abraham is right.  My friends continuously advise me to be by myself, to work things out by myself; a lot of them keep telling me that I “deserve better” and that me continuing to be with him is akin to me desperately trying to bang puzzle pieces together that simply don’t fit (an analogy that he hates because he knows that I am not static, and neither is he).  But I continue to be with him—perhaps, on some level, out of a fear of loss and being alone, but primarily because of his faith in me and his hope in me, his belief that I can one day be truly happy.

And it’s that faith that he has within me that’s been so inspiring to me. I am so close to him, and my friends and his friends who see our relationship see only a certain side of it, and, sometimes, what we show is negative instead of positive. But I’ve told him more about myself than I’ve told any other person; I’ve told him things about myself that I would never even let slip to my parents or my other close friends. I know that I can come to him and talk to him about absolutely anything that was on my mind and know that his love for me would not be changed. He believes in me and not only knows that I can be a whole person someday, but he can see that person within me, even when I cannot.

I have faith now, more than ever, that I will one day be pulled together on the inside.  That my tunnel will finally end and reach a place where people who have come so far can rest.  I told Abraham about this yesterday—about all this imagery I have about what there is inside me—and he jumped, for, the other day, as he was praying for me, he had seen the exact same imagery: he was praying for me and had seen nothing inside me but a vast, dark emptiness; he was praying for me and had a vision of the day when that emptiness would be filled with a roaring waterfall.

And the waterfall was exactly the image that I had had inside me for how my core would be when I’m pulled together. My inside will be a vast waterfall, cleansing, sparkling, constantly in motion and constantly renewing itself. As my friend Lianne, who has had to suffer through reading my creative writing for years, knows, I have a fixation on water imagery and on light imagery, and this image is no different. That waterfall is me.

I placed my hand over my heart yesterday and told Abraham that I could feel it—I could feel the waterfall inside me, and it would be right there, over my heart. How moved he was was clear on his face, and he confessed that he not only felt it within me, too, but that he could even hear it. And I could see him and feel him inside me too; I could see that picture of me in the future being a powerful waterfall and him standing beneath my water and being in me and with me. For him, the water in me is the presence of God; for me, the water in me is the presence of strength and life. Whatever it is, it will be strong and passionate.

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

—John 4:13–14

I have faith that, one day, I’ll have a blooming core that pushes me forward and motivates me and my decisions.  I’ll have a blooming core that invites passion of all kinds and life within me. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life, been extremely selfish, but I’m pulling myself together and opening that source within me. Water can heal, and I can heal—both myself and others. And I catch glimpses of this person sometimes—I know that she’s inside me. Sometimes, she manages to poke her nose through the ice and breathe; sometimes, I feel so much for people, and I realize how utterly connected people are—everybody is somebody’s child; everybody’s actions impact someone else’s lives—that I get overwhelmed and shut myself down. That’s the woman inside me who feels and knows other people, who senses their struggles and problems and takes them as her own, and who lives and is passionate inside me.

Until she breaks out of her cocoon, I will remain struggling.  I will continue to make mistakes.  I will continue to cry, to lose faith, but my core will gradually be pulling itself together, and, every time I lose faith, my faith in myself will return, stronger than ever.  And, one day, I’ll be strong—truly happy with myself and with others. Then, I will be able to turn to others struggling through this and help pull them together as well.

And I don’t care if any of this ends up sounding clichéd. Of course, I could say that waterfall imagery in caves is a common motif in movies nowadays, and I suppose you could say that Abraham and I have seen enough movies that we pulled from that pool of images. Certainly, perhaps, but that doesn’t encompass the way this has inspired me. And it’s that inspiration—the fact that I have been moved to tears various times in just writing this—that’s what matters. It doesn’t matter that I’m an atheist and Abraham is Christian and that he’s providing me with Bible verses to read that reflect all of what I’m going through and all these struggles—they inspire me still, and give me a push to change.

As Skippy says, “The truth is the truth no matter who says it.”

Realizing how empty I am and how much work I have to do has been liberating, as paradoxical as it sounds. I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I can be whole.

I will be whole.

I am a good person.

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Matt Now to work on my next production! It’s a one man show documenting the emotions, trials & tribulations, joy, & utter insanity of a lone student fighting against superior & overwhelming odds, entitled: The Paper I Didn’t Know Was Due Tomorrow! Starring me! Running tonight only in the UL! Tickets start at 1 Red Bull!

(Facebook status post)

It’s that time of year… finals!  Yay!  Please excuse me as I go crazy from a loss of sleep and from strings upon strings of projects and papers to be finished.

• 12/7 – LING 541 final paper due (10–12 pages)
• 12/9 – LING 520 presentation (10 minutes)
  • handout
  • Powerpoint
• 12/9 – MUSC 234 group presentation (20 minutes)
  • reading
  • handout
  • Powerpoint
• 12/11 – LING 520 project write-up due
  • second recording impossible
  • sound analysis – vowels
  • actual write-up
• 12/11 – LING 541 final (not cumulative)
• 12/11 – MUSC 234 final (cumulative)
• 12/11 – MUSC 234 two-page write-up due
• 12/14 – LING 520 final (cumulative)
• 12/14 – RELI 103 final (cumulative)
• 12/14 – SPHS 196 final paper due (5 pages)
  • reading
  • write-up
• 12/15 – Gamelan concert
• 12/15 – Gamelan reflection due (or 12/18 if schedule too tight)
• 12/16 – FLIGHT HOME!  Yay!

Now you understand why I’ll basically have no social life for the next week.  See you after winter break, hopefully with my sanity intact!

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On Sunday, I went to Davis Library and checked out Language as commodity: Global structures, local marketplaces, edited by Peter K. W. Tan and Rani Rubdy (I definitely have a couple of articles by Rubdy sitting in my collection, and perhaps one by Tan).  I flipped through the book and checked out the Singapore articles and recognized two of the three names (Lionel Wee and Lubna Alsagoff), as I have a number of their articles on my computer.

A little while ago, I subscribed to the LINGUIST List listserv which, I think, is generally meant for actual linguists in the field and not undergraduates, although a few conferences here and there are open to undergraduates.  In any case, yesterday, I got in my inbox an e-mail detailing the table of contents for the latest issue of the Journal of Sociolinguistics.  In the book reviews section?  A review for Language as commodity by Gregory P. Glasgow.  I literally did a double-take; I’d just checked out the book and read a few chapters from it.

But this feeling—recognizing names, recognizing titles, feeling integrated—is just really amazing.  It’s a whole new sense of fulfillment.  And I love it.  I feel like I could belong in this field, that I could really connect and do something.  A good chunk of the articles I’ve been collecting on Singapore English have been written by professors at the National University of Singapore, where I was during the summer; everything just feels so much within my reach when I realize that these professors are really only a step or two removed from me, that I can actually, potentially, have contact with people in this field.

It’s just a great feeling, knowing that I can accomplish things and that I can be part of something academic.  That, hey, academia isn’t as unknowable as I first thought it would be.

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